Saturday, July 25, 2009

How Do Parents Do It?

So I'll admit it; I was one of those really insensitive females that would listen to the "sob stories" of the older, much wiser, females who were just heart broken that their children could do... *fill in the blank*, because they were getting so big. You know, they are the moms who cry when their babies go off to kindergarten, or the moms who take forever to start feeding their kids 'real food' because they just can't be that big yet. I mean, come on, growing up is part of life. I never understood it... until now.
So, granted, take Bryton's food away and the world may end, but I can but only guarantee that I stand no chance of making it through day 1 of kindergarten without shedding at least one tear. Five years old seems SOOOOOOOOOOOO far away... but my-lanta, he's almost one. My baby boy, our huge life adjustment, our "keep us up all nighter", is this stage ever gonna be over little boy, is almost one. The first year goes by soooo fast, and the changes that come so quickly give you little time to blink, let alone adjust. It seems like as soon as I figure out something he likes or doesn't like he's moved on from that and is ready for bigger and better things. I have a feeling I should just get used to this as his little life moves on.
From day 1 I've been VERY hesitant to "wish away" any stages. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't always easy. I don't exactly love being woken up 4 or 5 times through the night, but I tried to relish in it while I could just sit and hold him while he ate. I know someday he probably won't want me to hug him in public. I didn't enjoy his "collicky" epidsodes, but I'd be lying if I said that it didn't feel reallllly good that I was the one person who could calm him. I know that each little stage, each little moment, is going to come and go and I may never ever get that experience again. The thought that we may never have another baby to hold and love still shatters my heart, but it makes me ever more diligent to make sure I miss as little of Bryton's life as possible. I want to see the first steps, the first crawling... the first straight A's, his first basket, his first homerun, etc.
Our lives are really but a vapor. I don't know that I ever understood that until B came along. I mean, seriously, to go through life stages so quickly is something I had never seen before. I know I don't get it all right, but I know that I'm trying. God is teaching me more and more through my marriage and through parenthood, and I know that I'm going to be a better person because of the lessons taught to me by the world's sweetest little boy and by my amazing husband. God willing I get the opportunity to experience the firsts again.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Almost Anniversary Time

I am a hopeless romantic. I can't help it. There is something in me that desires this "dancing in the moonlight, long walks on the beach, passionate pursuit" that, well, girls like. I guess it's no surprise, then, that I crave anniversaries. I look forward to it every year. It's another celebration of "we've made it", and love. It seems every year we can look back at obstacles and joys, difficulties and triumphs, but where would we be without both. The difficulties make us stronger and are opportunities for us to grow closer together, whereas the triumphs and joys give us something to celebrate, to dance around, to relish in. They are all important. Marriage has taught me so very much, mostly, that I am the sinner that I, at one time, thought I might not be. Even measuring myself up to my husband's "righteousness" can sometimes seem daunting and make me feel as a failure... and as far as scripture is concerned, his righteousness too, is as filthy rags. If I can't even compare to my husband, how can I ever begin to compare to the righteousness of Christ. Alongside that I can feel the constant struggle to be the "bride in white" that Christ desires, having the temptations of the world pull my from my bridegroom. Whether they be pride, busy-ness, self dependency, selfishness, and the list goes on, all can pull apart this relationship I've formed with this man that God had designed for me. I've learned that marriage isn't "for" us. Sure, we have the privilege of enjoying the benefits of it, but, as is everything, marriage exists completely to give God glory. When God isn't glorified in our marriage, how is our marriage to thrive? We are missing the soul mission of matrimony. (Say that 3 times fast.) Marriage holds analogous meaning time after time after time in scripture. Think about Song of Solomon. Think about the roles men and women hold in families. Think about the bride and the bridegroom meeting. Marriage has been a constant lesson, a constant blessing, and constant work. Not bad work, but work none-the-less. (I slept and dreamdt that life was joy, I woke and saw that life was duty, I acted and behold, duty was joy. - Tagore)
So, with that being said... I'd like to wish my husband a happy 4 Year Anniversary! Thanks for the hard work you put into our marriage and may we never cease trying to make each year better, more passionate, and more purposeful (giving God glory) than the one prior! I love you!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Don't know where this is headed...

It is a horrible title for a blog isn't it? I really don't know what else to say though. Somewhere hidden inside of me is this creative, passionate, lyrical side of me that is being repressed by something. Fear maybe. Maybe regret. Maybe busy-ness, or worry. Or maybe a little bit of all of the above. So I feel like I'm this maze of a person, trying to find where I'm headed on the outside, but trying to figure me all out on the inside too. It is a difficult, complicated, tedious task. So when I title my blog "Don't know where this is headed," well, it's because I really don't.
We just returned from World Changers, Evansville, IN. As far as the World Changer's organization is concerned, I was extremely disappointed. The trip in general I would deem as a success. Our group united in an incredible way. It is like no group we have ever taken before. We (the girls) made some incredible friends from Montgomery, Alabama (we know, we're incredibly attracted to accents ;), and grew closer together as a church family / youth group. If nothing came out of WC besides these two things, it was successful. I've been very much inspired to "hang out" with the girls more... to not just invest in their lives but to be a part of them... that's really what it's all about, right? Being the visible Jesus to the best of my ability, well, let me rephrase, to allow Him to make Himself visible through me. I fall so short in trying to imitate Him.
We're now getting into the swing of things back at home, getting ready for VBS and then on to our anniversary, Aaron's birthday, and our vacation. (Which I'm really excited about... I desperately am in need of some romantic moments with my husband.)
As far as I'm concerned, I feel this great hunger inside of me for the Word. World Changer's left me empty. I need a fresh Word from God... a fresh revelation, a fresh promise that he hasn't forgotten me. I see Him working in my patience and I see Him teaching me a ton through parenthood (just like He has and is continuing to do through marriage), but I feel I need more. As hungry as I am for Him, I desire to be even more hungry, more empty, so that when God so chooses to fill me up I oooooze His goodness, His love, His Words.
I've found myself praying and thinking about Bryton often. I'm so afraid of this world that he will be living in during coming years. I pray daily that he'll find Jesus early and yearn and thirst and long for Him. It reminds me of our good friend Mark McConkey's song about his little girl. I'll post the lyrics below. Lord only knows what He has in store for this little boy who has my heart tied around his little finger. He's this little ball of potential that I have the privilege of holding, loving and nurturing. I pray God makes Him a mighty warrior, a winner of souls.
Here's the song:
The shade of morning
The light shines through
The sun rises quickly and kisses you
I've never witnessed a more beautiful sight
Than you waking slowly, your blue eyes seeing the light.
These early days, my wish for you
That you grow up righteous, grow up to be true
You'd find Him quickly, as your strength and your guide
Jesus revealed to you, your blue eyes seeing the light
May the Lord be your shepherd, may the Lord be your fill
May the Lord make you lie in green pastures
May he lead you by waters and restore your soul
May he guide you in paths of righteousness
Even though you may enter the valley of death
I know you will not fear, for you know he is near
He annoints you with oil and your cuppeth overflows
With goodness and love all the days of your life and you'll dwell in the house of the Lord - forever
Now this life goes by quickly I want to know
that you love Jesus more than your daddy,
jesus more than your mom
through trials and temptations may you always do right
with your gaze fixed upon him - your blue eyes seeing the light.

Pretty amazing huh. Yeah, I thought so.